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Looks like NaBloPoMo has left me blog-weary. I think I'm going to be gone from here for a couple of weeks, but never fear, I'll be uploading photos to flickr regularly. There's plenty to talk about, just no energy to do it. In the meantime, Jamie takes us back to the Flashdance days with his latest toddler fashion statement.
You know back in the pre-Jamie days, whenever I thought about having a kid, it was this kind of thing that popped into my head. The crazy, unselfconscious, toddler approach to life. It's funny and ridiculous to us adults, but perfectly normal to a two year old. Lovely.
Insert annoying musak "hold" music here. Back after this short break!
Shortly after my grandma died we were reading Goodnight Moon and on a whim I told Jamie that the old lady whispering hush was Granny, the official "great grandmother" title in my mom's family. He thought this was funny and I decided it would be a small way to remember her.
Tonight not only did he use a preposition perfectly (clue on white coat), and play a little joke on me by inching his fingers toward mine bit by bit, making the "oh, oh, ooohh" noise that I make when getting ready to tickle him, AND call me "eee-sha," but he also asked to read Goodnight Moon and then repeated each line back to me as I read it. When we got to the end and told the old lady goodnight, we both said "nigh nigh granny," and, like it has so often in the last month or so, my grief rose up in my throat and threatened to choke me. As I laid next to him in the big bed* while he wiggled himself to sleep I wanted to scream and cry from the sorrow that comes from knowing he'll never remember granny other than as a character in a much loved book and that she won't ever have the pleasure of having a joke played on her by her two year old great-grandson.
After Grandma died and I went back to work I simply put it all out of my mind. I was extremely busy at work and wondered if maybe this once what we say to comfort ourselves - she's no longer in pain, she's happy now - might actually shield me from the pain of losing her. Then almost exactly a month after she died I was talking to C and telling her that the reason we hadn't been buy to pick up the rest of our boxes from Grandma's was because Jamie had been so sick and I had been sick and MD's leg had been hurting him, and while she did nothing wrong, her response, a kind of gruff, "what a sick house you live in!" made me realized just what I had lost. Grandma would have said, "oh dear," and clucked her tongue, tsk tsk tsk, and said, "ooh, I'm sorry. i hope you all feel better soon. i wish there was something I could do." and more than the words the tone of her voice, the automatic desire to make it all better, is what I have lost.
And so when I talked to C today and she sobbed and said how hard everything has been and how she needs to know if we are going to have a relationship or not because she can't take the stress and how not matter what I think she adores me, and that she wants me to always remember that my mother loves me, I felt nothing. Nothing but sadness that my grandma's prediction, that she would outlive C, hadn't come true. Sadness that I'm left with this mess of a person who has given me little and taken much. Sadness that doing the right thing and doing what is best for me seem to be mutually exclusive and knowing that somehow I will have to balance the two.
*About five minutes after we turned out the light tonight, Jamie picked up his pillow, marched over to the door, and demanded to sleep in "mommy's bed." Oookay.
My aunt mouse (pseudonym) just called me. C is in a nursing home. They think she has fibromyalgia. She's getting rehab.
And she's miserable living at my grandma's house. Mouse wants us all to get together after C is released to figure out "what happens next." She knows that C and I are not on good terms and is totally on my side - although still loves C and supports her - but this is grandma's house and part of my history and I should be involved (her words). I'd laugh if it weren't so painful. All the crap my grandma went through to be able to leave C the house. All the crap C pulled so she'd be able to have the house. And now she's miserable there because it reminds her of grandma. Well, NO SHIT.
Gah. I don't know what happens next. They are both on disability and need a permanent solution. MD is asking around at work (works for a nursing/assisted living facility) and I have a friend who works for the county agency on aging that should be able to give me some advice.
What a freaking year.
What a perfect holiday weekend. Thursday and Friday were spent with family, Saturday with friends, many visiting from out of state, and today, a rare Sunday with just the three of us. We had a lazy morning, ran one errand, then came home and played and watched Finding Nemo. Jamie was entranced.
So how was your holiday (if you're in the states)?
I'm about halfway through Your Two-Year-Old and this classic series is still dead on (except for the 50s like references to mother and father's roles in baby's life). I started using some strategies this weekend and they've been a huge help. These books are so easy to read and are crammed full of useful information that is several parts science and several parts common sense. My kind of parenting.
My night out last night was very fun. Unfortunately the big fun didn't start until about a half hour before I promised md I'd be home, but still, lots of fun. Jamie has a nasty cough and was up half the night so I was half dead from exhaustion today but it was well worth it. (MD is taking vicodin at night for his hip pain and so is definitely out of the picture for nighttime parenting. And that's why I promised I'd be home by midnight, so he could take a pain pill and get some sleep. And I was 20 minutes late. Oops.)
I have even more friends in from out of town and I scored a night out with the girls tonight. It's been 3 or 4 years at least since I've been out with this particular mix of friends, maybe even longer. And we're going to a local rock & roll bar to see my friend A's brother's band play so it's even more like old times. Of course, I promised MD I'd be home by midnight in case Jamie has a bad night, but I'll be barely awake by then anyway.